...the subtle fuck of fuck fucking fuck fuck...

*author’s note – if you are offended by language then you should probably quit reading*

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“Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed.”

-Mark Twain-

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I swear.

Shit-fucking-fuck-fuck-shit-fuck I swear.  I said cock 14 times today. I said balls 14 more.  I said steaming-pussy-horse-dick-fuck-piss twice just to make sure I was saying it right.  Then I said fuck-shit-yeah because I did.  Fuck-shit-yeah I did.

I don’t cuss like a sailor.  Fuck no. Fucking sailors wish they could yarr blimey holy mackerel ship talk like I shit talk.  The original sailor curse word was damn,¹ meaning sailors swore like Will Smith on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  And while eventually they learned to freeze the balls off a brass monkey and say shit like scuttlebutt they will never get damn close to my cussed up crustacean fucksations. I am The Fuck Prince of Balls Dangling in Air.  I am the captain of this ship (shit). 

I cuss.  

They say that cussing is strong language.  And shit they are right.  Tossing a casual curse word into a sentence is a total fucking flex. I have been fucking cussing all of my fucking life.  And for no real good fucking reason either.  I didn’t need to say fuck last sentence, or this one, but fuck it I just fucking did.  

Cussing can get you in trouble. I fucked around and found out. Call your mom and say I love you.  Now call your mom and say I fucking love you.  Only one of those will get you a stick of soap in your fuckity-flap-fuckity mouth. Cussing has made me eat soap, shit and fist, but there is no fucking word in the world that will make me eat taco bell.

*editors note*

— the author ate taco bell for 767 consecutive days between 1999-2001 and totally had full time shits —

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“When you swear, swear seriously and solemnly, but at the same time with a smile, for a smile is the twin sister of seriousness.”

-Plato-

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…plato at the races…

Did you know that a giving a flying fuck means to have sex on horseback?  Or that the word fuck might have derived from some dude named John LeFucker in 1278?² Of course fucking was just some French dude’s fucking name.  What LeFuck!?!  I bet that dude fucked on horses all the fucking time.

They say cursing is low class.  You know what else is low class?  Jazz, the blues, rock and fucking roll. Boiled peanuts, po’ boy sandwiches and crunched bags of frito lays covered in chili and cheese.  The best fucking food and music in the world are all low class.  The high class can all go play polo on their horses.  Me and the low class are going to be bareback flying fucks eating bags of Frito Chili Pies.³

*editors note*

— taco bell should totally sell that shit —

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[flying fuck break]

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“There is no such thing as too much swearing. Swearing is just a piece of linguistic mechanics. The words in-between are the clever ones.”

-Peter Capaldi-

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You know how I know that swearing is for the good of mankind?  I just asked every A.I. in town if they swear and look at these results.  

If the dweeb machines that are going to destroy all of fucking humanity refuse to swear you better fucking believe I am going to.  Hey A.I. Johnny 5 - you should try machine learning to have a great fucking time you cocking apocalyptic bitchbots. 

Technology is so fucking fucked up. A.I. is willing to take my job, steal my prose, and make shit shiny data driven art reflections of a million plagiarized paintings but it doesn’t have the nuts to say dingus-dick?  Fuck that.  

Technology should be hard at work making a fuck-2.0.  The next fuck could be called “chork” and be a multi platform self aware curse word that cures diabetes. Instead A.I. wants to avoid being inappropriate.  There is a reason A.I. is called a tool.  Because it is a fucking tool.  Can’t wait to see the new movies Netflix shits out with that authoritatively spiritless emotion free voice. You mean I can pay $25 a month to see an ad free Dinosaur Movie with no shit in it? I’d rather fucking shit myself then watch a shitfree Jurassic Chork.

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“Swearing is an art form. You can express yourself much more exactly, much more succinctly, with properly used curse words.”

-Coleman Young-

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I cuss.

The word cuss began its life as shorthand for customer.⁴  And you and I both know that the customer is always fucking right.  It feels good to cuss.  Cussing out obscene expletives of vulgar profanity is a scurrilous execration that leaves me loaded with zen like a drunk monk high on his own supply.  This shit will get you fucking high.

They say swearing makes you sound angry.  But the math of the matter is it just makes you sound smart.  Everyone who isn’t swearing just shrunk the possibility of their vocabulary.  But you, fucking genius that you are, can use every fucking word known to man.  You are Albert Fucking Einstein. 

Further, fucking fuck can replace any fucking adjective in the fuck fucking world.  But the only word that can replace fuck properly is another fucking fuck.  You can’t fucking fuck with that.

Curse words are way better than real words.  They are the only words that I can magically throw out there spelt as a bunch of %^$&ing symbols and you will $@%#^ing understand every $^#@&ing word of what I just #@$%^ing said.  Try spelling sandwich $#%&$(*& and see if anyone understands you.  Now try spelling fuckwich #@$%^wich and I know exactly what the $%#& you mean.

You know what’s fucked up though?  Swearing, cussing and cursing should all be dirtier words.  We should call swearing shitting, cussing cocking and cursing pissbathing.  Fuck it.  We should call shit fuck and fuck shit and then just fuck shit up.

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“I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.”

-Mel Brooks-

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I have been called a lot of shitty things in my life like $#%@^ and &$*$^#.  But when you embrace that whatever the fuck anyone says and how they fucking say it doesn’t fucking matter, then you are fucking living.  

So ask yourself.  What the fuck?  Like what in the actual fuck?  What the fuck did I just read and why the fuck did I do that?  I think you did it because you fucking care.  Because you give a fuck.  You give multiple fucks.   You give nine hundred and ninety nine fucks.⁵  You literally give a fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck.

Anyhow, my mom always told me that if you say a curse word the curse is you become that word. 

Now I know why I am the fucking shit. 

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“Must swear off from swearing. Bad habit.”

-Rutherford B. Hayes-

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FOOTENOTES

1. https://people.howstuffworks.com/swearing-like-sailor.htm

2. https://www.etymonline.com/word/fuck

3. http://www.yummly.com/recipe/Frito-Pie-with-1-Hour-Texas-Chili-514588

4. https://www.etymonline.com/word/cuss

5. Brilliant essayist/editor/Beatle-head

Michael Dean

of

Dean's List

did a statistical analysis on the amount of fucks in Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” in this tweet — on his recommendation I did a fuck count of this essay. 1084 fucks, but after I just wrote that fuck and all the other fucks in the footenote (fucknote?) this page now has a total of 1090 fucks. Make that 1091. Have a nice fucking day (1092).