...reflecting then projecting on collecting rejections...
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”
-W. C. Fields-
You know how some people have punchable faces? I feel like I have a punchable soul (and a punchable face). I was rejected again. This is rejection number 724 in the past 6 years. No one can tell me I am not great at failing to find work. This time I was trying to be a helpful editor for an online writing company. I figured, hey I write online, why not me, but never considered that they would figure, because not you, someone else.
I have a hard time fitting into the corporate working world. I’m tallish, hairyish, dry-eyedish, coughyish, loudish, sleepyish, and really quite ishish. I have tried many approaches to getting people who don’t know me, to know, then like me, and then pay me for helping them do things I think I am good at. My first approach is putting my hair in a ponytail. Nothing says you are a serious talent like taking the longest hairiest part of you and making it into an equine appendage. I then put on fancy unwrinkled shirts and ties. If you want to know if you can work with someone you need to first be certain they are wearing inherently uncomfortable clothing. Their discomfort is your comfort that they will perform a job well done. I also make sure to use cologne. You can be certain a person will be a good worker if they are covered in an oily alcoholic spray filled with agrumen, benzoin, cashmeran, dill, eucalyptus, frankincense, galbanum, hedione, indole, jasmine, kudzu, labdanum, musk, narcissus, ozone, patchouli, quail, ragwort, sandalwood, tansy, uva ursi, vanilla, wormwood, xi xin, ylang ylang and zedoary.
“Sometimes I feel my whole life has been one big rejection.”
-Marilyn Monroe-
There are so many ways to be rejected. The beginner’s rejection is a self rejection. Find a mirror, any mirror and say nope into it. Shake your head dismissively and wish better luck next time. Say yeah, but nope. Call your voicemail and say sorry but not this time. Write yourself a letter thanking yourself for your time and explaining that unfortunately you are not the exact right fit at the moment.
The most common rejection I receive is the form rejection. This is a rejection someone sends to multiple people in the exact same way. It is a copy/paste rejection that lets me, the rejected know, that I am rejected. This is a rejection that says many have tried to do what you have done, so many that we need to quickly and efficiently tell them all the exact same thing, that they won’t do this, thank you very much, and good luck.
Sometimes my rejections come via silence. I reach out and ask something only to never hear anything in return. This is the fart in a crowded theater approach. There is no proof this thing even happened, but it definitely stinks.
Side note: if you are standing at a concert and five different people fart on you, are you sure it wasn’t just you who was farting? I mean, they say he who smelt it dealt it, so with that logic, with every fart laid upon me I theoretically have become the farter. This is a sick stinky cyclical event and perhaps the most foul form of rejection and also one which has an $80 underwear to prevent it. That seems expensive.
A little more civil is an in person rejection. Face to face, mano a mano, eye to eye, shoulder to shoulder, hand to hand, belly to belly, cheek to cheek, ass to ass, mouth to mouth. Perhaps this sequence of events is why I did not get the job.
A rejection by phone call can help you prevent such a horrible miscommunication. This rejection type is strong because it lets the rejectee know that “I want you to hear this, but I definitely don’t want to see you again”. This is also a good rejection format to build your imagination skills with. As the recruiter slowly explains that “it’s not you, it’s us”, I can imagine “I’m not me, I’m them”, and let myself down lightly. “I’m sorry but we are going to have to go with someone else.” I say to me.
Sometimes the job poster no longer wants someone to fill the role because the role no longer exists. This is a double rejection. Not only have I been rejected at this point, but the role has also been rejected. This is a fantasy rejection. Me and the role can partner in our rejected states and role play. I pretend I am serving it while it pretends to have a need for me. My safe word for this rejection is don’t fire me.
I once got rejected in the oddest way. They had no public facing role available but wanted to meet with me and discuss my background. They then took my resume and made a public facing role based on my attributes and proceeded to look for someone else to be me at their company. This is a Houdini rejection. The magic trick is there is no opportunity but you can imagine one, then you can imagine it’s you in that role, but then really it will become someone else and you got nothing. Houdini died from appendix poisoning after two punches to the stomach on a New Year’s eve in 1926. You need great abs to avoid this type of rejection and demise.
My final and favorite type of rejection is the rejection rejection. This is whereupon one is rejected but then rejects that rejection. It’s a never say no attitude. “Sure I don’t have the job” I wink back at the recruiter. “Yeah I won’t work here” I sarcastically emote with a sheepish grin and air quotes. I then continue to show up every day to meet with security at the entrance to the office. I find out about an opening on the security team. Taking the role I work front desk and security detail until my moment arrives. Late night as the crowd of working beasts roam their happy hour homes, I shed my security suit revealing a custom forest green tuxedo, a tightly sheened tail of pony on my head’s backside, and a pair of shreddies to ensure I leave no scent behind. I type endlessly throughout the night on a cracked laptop I brought with me and produce this very blog you read now.
“I work here”, I say to myself. And no one can tell me otherwise.
Funniest article I’ve read in long time
Perhaps you could ask the nearest comedy club if you could work there and see what they say. This has the making of a great standup routine.