...toot your own horn...
“I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
-Kurt Vonnegut-
Well only 24 issues into this blog and here we are.
Some say flatulence is the lowest and most barbaric form of comedy but did you know it once used to be an esteemed profession?
A flatulist, also known as a fartist, or if you are boring, a professional farter, is an entertainer often associated with a specific type of humor, whose routine consists solely or primarily of passing gas in a creative, musical, or amusing manner. Sadly history has buried the other side of flatulent art, all the great epic and dramatic works such as Shakespeare's Taming of The P.U., F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gassy, and William Faulkner's The Other Sound and The Fury.
Most famous of these fartistes was Joeseph Pujol aka Le Petomane, the premiere entertainer of his day. While his stage name translated to fartomaniac, his skills were anything but (pun intended) chaotic mania. Discovering his skills through an accidental anussy suck and shoot of water after an icy swim, he refined his super sphincter skills while working as a baker, amusing (and probably traumatizing) his customers by imitating the sounds of musical instruments with his butthole.
I’m as surprised as you are that he didn’t practice his talents while cutting cheese instead (the author groans…or was it more?).
His ass career rose and blossomed leaping from sea to bakery to stage as he expanded his talents to include mimicking cannon fire and thunderstorms, blowing out candles from across the stage, and eventually performing the french national anthem through an tubed asshole to ocarina arrangement. As legend of his skills grew, so too did the prestige of his audience, from princes to kings and eventually notable scholastic pervert and underrated star of the Bill and Ted movies, Sigmund Freud.
Petomane’s life inspired books, plays, musicals, television shows and now me. My quest to find my next job has me exhausting (puns continually terrible but still intended) all options. Blame gastro issues, blame goat ricotta topped pizza, blame vegan sausage mac and cheese (definitely the culprit) but I'm game to get gassy for cash.
But as a novice noxious noob I need to get pfft practice without upsetting those around me. After spending a weekend getting beefed on by stout guzzling nitrous hippies at a bowling alley in Las Vegas I know that a Ween concert is definitely not the greatest gas grumbling gymnasium to get gut groans gurgling.
So with that in mind (and intestine) I am asking myself…where is the best place to drop a fart?
“If I fail, the film industry writes me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart.”
-George A. Romero-
If you are one of the many mired in a jobless haze of a recessionary robotic revolution consider clap trapping some bombastic hot air with me. I’ve started a shit list below collecting an academic ascertainment of the finest quarters to quaff quakes. Any comments and suggestions you can share to help build beyond the list are much appreciated amusement and I thank you for farticipating in the post of the article (these puns ftw aka fart the what) .
If you made it this far let’s just both hope the rest of this article doesn’t stink as bad as the first half.
“A happy fart never comes from a miserable ass.”
-Martin Luther-
…aka THE Martin Luther…
THE TOP TEN HOTTEST HAMLETS TO HONK HYDROGEN
…ideal location places to bark spiders and fluff fairies…
WHILE TYPING THIS BLOG aka The Author’s Air Biscuit :: I must learn throughout all my life’s actions. And today I learned I can fart and type at the same time. Should I put that on my resume?
AT A BATTLE aka The Stale Wind Skirmish :: According to the He-Gassen scroll there were fart battles in the 1600’s. Can someone please let Vladimir P.U.Tin know about this option? (*the author
flagellatedflatulated himself for this the worst pun yet) The fart is a practical, peaceful and novel solution to warfare. But let’s not get any ideas on making gigantic A-Bombs (I believe we have now reached peak pun).
AT THE CHURCH aka The Holy Hisser :: Because god forgives (*reaching peak pun has prevented all the author’s attempts at pew jokes in this section).
IN THE FOREST akaThe Trailside Turtle Burp :: If a man farts in the forest and no one hears it, did he really fart?
INTO A FLAME aka The Caveman Wizard Drifter :: A fart celebrating fame, fortune, friendship and charred mammoth meat utilizing one and/or both of Man’s first inventions.
INTO A JAR aka The Practiced Potpourri :: The old wive’s tale is that my Mom’s cousin did this to his brother as a wedding gift. He farted into a jar for years waiting for the day his younger brother got married, then gussied up the jar and put it in a flower filled box as a wedding gift. The stank genie was unleashed in a honeymoon suite via a wedding night unboxing and the brothers have continued their prank war ever since. We should applaud hard work and determination in whatever art form one chooses.
…“I burp, I fart. I'm a real woman.” - Kate Winslet… AT A FUNERAL aka Death’s Duck Call :: Let’s put the FUN back in funerals! They just past so now it is your turn!
DURING AN INTERROGATION aka The Felon’s Free Speech :: You can’t prove anything!
ON A ZOOM CALL WITH MY THERAPIST aka The Psychological Squeaker :: This is what the mute button was made for. Also can we immediately unpack my shame?
ON STAGE DURING THE LAST WORD OR NOTE OF YOUR ONE NIGHT ONLY PERFORMANCE aka The Egg Scented Encore :: Man farts on microphone. Man drops mic. No one picks it up…
“Let every fart count as a peal of thunder for liberty. Let every fart remind the nation of how much it has let pass out of its control. It is a small gesture, but one that can be very effective - especially in a large crowd. So fart, and if you must, fart often. But always fart without apology. Fart for freedom, fart for liberty - and fart proudly.”
-Benjamin Franklin-
Ahoy dear reader…special promotion section of the blog…this Saturday 4/1 is the first major release with production/post from our company UIU premiering on Only Fans TV.
We helped produce and deliver 55 minutes of comedy roast madness in a Whitney Cummings led special for comedian Bert Kreischer.
You can watch the trailer here.
More importantly than that though, the launch event last night gave me the opportunity to interview set designer Danielle Lopez, a talented buildsmith with great feedback on what makes a great location to let loose and rip rudely. Last night’s event took place at a Hollywood Hotel called The Edition and Danielle gave the space a boomy 10 out of 10. With 30 foot steady wood walls, the bathrooms of the Edition offer a clandestine, silent, and superbly echoey locale to fry a panty egg. If you are ever gaseously stumbling the sunset strip, make sure to bumble by and build a bubble or two. Thanks for the borborygmus recommendation Danielle!
And today I learned I can fart and type at the same time. Should I put that on my resume?
😂