“It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
-J. R. R. Tolkien-
I’m sorry that number is no longer in service.
There is no ability to negotiate.
You will receive two week’s pay and health benefits.
You have 30 days to sign this contract.
At the end of this call all your communications will be deactivated.
I am happy to give you a recommendation, but i can discuss with you nothing that relates to this decision, other than it is final.
I am going to log off now.
We are doing layoffs as you know, and unfortunately you are part of this round.
Thank you for coming.
Good morning.
We need to speak to you as soon as possible.
Did you see the calendar invite come through over night?
I need you to deliver them to me first thing Monday AM.
These are for the board of directors.
Can you please work on these two decks?
Keep it up.
We really appreciate the work you are doing.
This is going to be tough but after we get through this round we will accomplish great things.
Can you explain what [redacted] does again?
Don’t you think that A.I. can solve all of those problems?
This will be an important two days.
Thanks for coming.
This is important.
Can’t you skip a day of that?
I need you to fly there next week.
We can discuss that more in a 1:1 next quarter.
You need to improve at strategy.
Only 5% of all employees got that this round.
You are getting a 2% raise and a 2% bonus.
Your colleagues consistently give you excellent feedback.
Based on this round of review you are exemplary.
Fill out this spreadsheet and let me know who we should cut if we were to reduce both your team’s head counts by 75%.
Why shouldn’t we just purchase a solution for that?
Do you think you can manage that business unit for us?
[redacted] is being moved to a different team.
Stay focused on solving these problems.
We hired someone else to solve that.
You don’t need to worry about that.
We are going to freeze all your hiring except for this role.
I am hearing great things about all your new hires.
We need you to build these new teams in full by the end of the month.
You are not hiring fast enough.
Can we talk about that next month?
Your only goal right now is to hire and build.
How about globally by 10x?
What would it take to scale your team by 5x?
I promise that if you fulfill these goals you won’t have to worry about money.
This is still an extremely generous offer.
We can no longer offer that volume or price.
The stock price promised was unfortunately from your old boss.
At your next review time we promise to get you to market rate.
Because you were hired so recently we can only adjust your salary by 2%.
We would like to change your title.
You are doing a great job.
This is a great chance for you to step up if you are interested.
I am sorry to let you know that [redacted] will no longer be working with us.
Can you please meet us in the conference room after you finish this call?
Meet as many people as you can.
These first two weeks just soak it in.
We have so many problems to solve.
We are so excited to have you.
Congratulations and welcome to the team.
We are excited to consider you for this position.
Thanks for meeting with us.
We have a role that I think would be just perfect for you.
Hello I am a recruiter for [redacted].
“Whenever things go a bit sour in a job I'm doing, I always tell myself, You can do better than this”
-Dr. Seuss-
…thanks to & for taking a look down and up and down again this doo-wah-diddy…i appreciate all the work you do…note to anyone i ever worked for at “the job”…everything is fiction…
Man, this is all far, far too familiar. Perfect depiction of the madness inside these VC-driven shit-shows.
This is like a linguistic anthropologist’s recording of corporate shaman casting a spell. After reading it I wandered the house like a zombie for a good twenty minutes, muttering “Stapler, my stapler, where’s my stapler?”