...the 22 things I saw in 2022 (vol. 222)
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
-Helen Keller-
In 2022 I saw a lot of things. I saw my middle toes bend and flatten to reveal an intermittent pulsating pain I will call Jim until it takes a hike. I saw buckets full of socks pair up and grow holes, and others go awol and hide in the deepest darkest corners of my laundry bag. I saw signs. Signs of where to go, what to do, what to buy, what to eat, how to live and maybe most importantly signs reminding me where I am at.
The sign is a beautiful grounding mechanic. If you ever take a mental leap so far off the edge you forget where you are at, pause and look at the signs. They can tell you where you are, and where you might go next. They can tell you what to do and where to do it. They can coach you on the ethical approach to your public nudity habits.
They can tell you who you are and who you might be next. Or remind you of your self value and worth.
Be careful though, because if you put too much faith in the signs around you, and lose faith on the signs within, you could find yourself at a midnight showing of “Dude Where’s My Car?” assuming this film holds the meaning exclusively to your life.
“Dude”, you might ask yourself?
“Where is my car?”, you ponder very seriously intoning that the “car” in this metaphor is the meaning of your life.
You then realize that you take trains for transport, and wonder if this means you have no singular life, but rather pulse with the infinite heartbeat of your fellow man’s path. And then you remember the time you tried skateboarding and broke your wrist and consider that this means you had a chance of, but now lack, real independence. You also remember two summers of scootering and rollerblading and wonder if your nickname should be Scooter or Blade. You look at your shoes, see pumas, and consider moving to a rainforest to be free and amongst your feline ancestors.
You can only break this spell by playing Jon Bon Jovi and Queen back to back and back again. Do not mistakenly play this song instead as it will reset the whole conundrum.
The sign is the dot on the treasure map of your life. Enjoy the journey and follow or create your own signs. But seriously consider font size.
PART ONE of the 22 things I saw can be found here…
10. THE CRISSCROSSING TIRE STACK of WISDOM
Some random street two blocks away from some mochi donut store I stumbled upon what I assumed was the day one hazing of a rubber shop internship. Your first day’s project is to systematically unleash then establish the patchwork of rubber that live snug, cluttered and happily confined to the back of this truck bed then re-conform after your lunch break.
Actually though this is how tires are stacked for transport. It is the conventional shipping method to maximize the amount of tires you can put in your transport and it is called a tire weave. There may be some life metaphor in this action, such as fill your entire self with the potential of things that help you go somewhere. And/or this type of thing might just look super cool. The set-up is therapeutic to watch though like zen sand pourings.
On second thought this looks nothing like zen.
9. GHOST MARTINI & THE GOBLIN ROCKS
I guess if 2022 had a pattern for me it was seeing the thing inside of the thing. Like for instance this is just an ad for a fragrance with a dude in a sweet velvet coat…
But if you look closer you see the truth…
To that end I was thankful to find myself drinking a real spirit celebrating my ladyfriend’s work in the outskirts of wine country. A well placed blow on the foam of the three beaned espresso martini brought back to me an echoing bellowing plasmic & spasmic cocktailed cry. I considered sparing him for his kawaii but I drink for the gut of my ancestors and had to ingest for his eternal freedoms.
Speaking of ancestors, the crystals and stones that outweigh and outlast all eras took time to say a bright hello as I walked trail and factory throughout the year. I saw this guy hang next to photos of Clooney & Malkovich.
I didn’t find out his name but his purpose is definitely to guard these many many barrels of apricot and caramel tasty. I am going to call him Jim and blame him for this annoying broken toe thing I am experiencing. A doctor once told me that to clear my hurdles I should first visualize them, then name them, then pretend they are something I saw while on a booze tour, and then I can perhaps get beyond them. I don’t talk to this doctor anymore.
The other rock goblin bid me hello on a trail somewhere in the mountains of Santa Barbara. I embraced the human ingenuity that is to look a rock mouth in the face and to give it teeth. I grabbed a molar and placed it cautiously glancing over my shoulders to ensure no other stone men saw my work and got jealous.
In Utah they call rock goblins “hoodoos”, which reminds me of the song in the movie Labyrinth where David Bowie and his huge cod piece throws the babe with the power into the sky, and the lyrics begin with a who’s on first routine…
You remind me of the babe
What babe?
The babe with the power
What power?
The power of voodoo
Who do?
You do
Do what?
Remind me of the babe
Which all goes to say we should probably make a rock puppet movie called the Hoodoos. This dude can lead a rowdy gang of stone wizards to solve the mystery of my painful toes and vanquish Jim once and for all. JIM!!!
8. THE JAPANESE MAN WHO BECAME A DOG
“If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.”
-Maya Angelou-
I could write words for you here to tell you what I think about this man who became a dog. Or I could just link to articles on him and let you read it. I’ll do both.
The dailymail was at it again when they word vomited this headline into my eyeline…
Apparently, Toco, the collie man hides his alter ego from his friends because he is worried they might find this habit weird. This got me thinking about my own dogs. Do they too worry about their dog friends knowing what they do when they are at home? Is my hound Minnesota concerned that his vizsla buddies know about his nightly preference to watch Diner’s, Drive-Ins and Dives? Does my blue heeler catdog Sidney get nervous her labrador suitor’s might be aware of her desire to afternoon snack on horse poop? I like to think my pups are impervious to the passive aggressive judgemental murmurings of pack culture.
When I watch and read about Toco the CollieMan I see dreams come to life. 2022 for many was a year of self realization. Toco became a collie because he wanted to become an animal. He unleashed the beast within. In 2023 I hope he opens up to his friends about his eccentricities and discovers he could be surrounded and supported by Cika the dragon-girl, Piwe who identifies as broccolini, and Jim the throbbing pain that lives on the left foot middle toes of middling blog writers.
“Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”
-Coco Chanel-
“Don’t spend time peeing on a wall, hoping to transform it into a fire hydrant.”
-Toco (i think)-
7. DINOSAUR PARK in RAPID CITY SOUTH DAKOTA
It was a pretty good year for dinosaurs. Jurassic Park 6 aka Dinominions came out and showed the world that you can stop any dinosaur dead in its tracks by just raising your palm. If you haven't seen the film and need to play a drinking game I recommend you raise a glass every time Chris Pratt raises his palm to placate a lizard.
Seriously it happens like 80 times in this movie. If you are still on the fence know that this movie also features a full dinosaur parkour chase preceded by a blackmarket dinosaur fighting and eating bazaar.
2022 was filled with dino discoveries. From dinosaur mummies to dwarf dinosaurs from Transyvania the year chose to amuse, confuse and horrifically amaze us with the potential that the Universal dark monsterverse could never realize.
For myself, the most amazing dino discovery was a trip to the black hills & badland adventure totem DINOSAUR PARK in Rapid City SD. If you are traveling to midwestern places, or even enroute to the excellent and historic Fort Robinson in Nebraska, I highly recommend this neck of the woods. From speakeasies to swimming holes the southern dakota has a lot to recommend.
Built in the 1930’s Dinosaur Park is a delightful slice of americana upon the hills overlooking this SD city. A quick look through the pictures here will roughly show you all there is to see at the park, but don’t let the miniature nature of this enormity discourage you from dropping by on your next trip to Sturgis.
If I had never researched Dinosaur Park I may have never also happened upon the fabulous world of Don Glut’s dinosaurs here. Part fictional dinosaur empire, part softcore porn parade, that dino site is dinomite! Glut is also an interesting piece of americana himself, a writer who helmed the Empire Strikes Back novelization, Tragg, Bugged, and Doktor Spektor.
6. AN OCTOBER SEARCH FOR A COSTUME(s)
I wanted to look plain, simple like a Laura Ingalls wilder novel, beige like a bagel, boring like bertha, forgettable like the Avatar plot, ordinary like a silent fart in church, ho-hum like Herbie Popnecker. But amongst my costume closet of cactuses, wolves, yetis and girlrillas I was missing out on a stash of my life most ordinary.
What would this halloween hold for me…what endless delight could the spirit of Spirit halloween offer me…
Could I be a poop emoji…
Or a sexy poop emoji?
Or go pre-feces as a carrot…
…potato…
…or pickle?
…I tested the waters of straining my relations by attempting sandwich and silverware cosplays…
…then I attempted avant-garde theater by way of brunch donuts…
Before settling on a bread based soda…
And regretting not constricting my options…
5. ALF TRADING CARDS
Have we talked about Alf before? Can we talk about Alf again?
The concept of Alf is strong. He lived on a planet called Melmac and sounded like a comedian playing second to last at a restaurant called Taco Tuesdays. He is a cat eating alien also named Gordon Shumway, whose TV Show was popular enough to spin into 4 seasons, a cartoon series, a TV Movie and a late night talk show.
He was famous enough to become various tchotchkes and t-shirts and stuffed things and cake pans and sexy photoshops…
Most importantly though Alf also spinned off into a series of trading cards. I’m not sure of the magic level attained when one becomes a trading car. Is the celebrity of that event better or worse than a midwestern watercolor portrait? Should you be prouder of being valued as a stuffed skeeball ticket gift and/or living forever as a sticker that tears quietly from the front fourth page of a trapper keeper?
My bandmate got us all a set of cards to celebrate Wednesday afternoon and we dug in. These images and captions, like fine tarot, can help you posit your place in current and future moments and inspire you to get better every single day.
Once you begin to see your life through the wisdom of an alien life form you see that the world is filled with so much possibility.
4. BLAMING COVID ON A HORNY CAVEMAN
Were there better stories last year? Sure there were.
More amazing discoveries? Why certainly I think.
Were there better headlines last year? Yes, of course.
Did southpark also post the blame for covid on someone named Randy? Yes they did.
Did ranker create a list of the greatest Randys? Yes they did.
Does the meaning of the name Randy come from Shield/Wolf? Yes it does.
Are the Scottish to blame it for becoming an adjective for horniness? Seems like it.
Is there a T-Shirt specifically for you if your name is Randy and/or you want to pretend to be a Randy? Why not?
Should you read the randy caveman article? No, you should read this Julia Roberts article instead.
3. THESE DOGS SNUGGLING ON THE STREETS OF YEREVAN
2. VARIOUS OTHER THINGS I SAW IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER THAT I AM BATCHING HERE THAT DON’T ENTIRELY RELATE BUT THAT ARE HOPEFULLY AMUSING AND/OR INTERESTING OR AT LEAST WORTH YOU SKIPPING OVER TO GET TO WHATEVER IS MY NUMBER ONE THING OF 2022 THAT I SAW IS, BUT SERIOUSLY IN 2022 SHOULDN’T THE 2ND THING BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF 2022 GIVEN THE AMOUNT OF #2’S THIS YEAR TOOK TO EXIST?
1. TWILIGHT… ALL OF IT…
I would say spoilers but everything I am going to say here still won’t make sense once you commit to seeing the best version of Lord of The Rings (which is called TWILIGHT). So instead of saying spoilers, I will say SpoilHorse.
SpoilHorse is the horse who comes and complains through your most important life events. He chews cigars, shits incessantly, doesn’t clean up that shit, steps in his shit, blames it on you and your kids, and breaks and bites a lot of things and won’t leave until someone else is upset and leaves first. There are not many redeeming qualities to SpoilHorse, but he still somehow gets invited to important events, because he is family.
Anyhow you have been warned.
SPOILHORSE.
One could say I am a million years late to the TWILIGHT phenomena. But one could also say that being a million years late to a vampire phenomena would be being directly on brand because vampires are eternal. This was the year I finally decided to bite into our youth’s favorite 50 shades of grey imprint.
Let me walk noobs through what I mean by that. In TWILIGHT an imprint is when a wolf decides what its true love is. In the movie the wolf boy falls in love with a baby before it is born. This is gross, but at least the baby is played by a robot (and eventually a robot animation), so it is not 100% gross, just like 500-555% gross.
Or on the internet I guess just WEIRD. Let’s pause for a second to check out the robot baby.
Twilight is a long movie. It is actually like 4 or 5 or 27 movies but I quit paying attention as I kept watching and watching and rewatching them. How this happened is that I caught covid (which I am still blaming on neanderthal boner), and unable to leave my house, decided I needed to dig deep into a long piece of pop culture.
Previous cures for my illnesses had been watching the entirety of the animated Planet of The Apes, 3 seasons of WKRP in Cincinnati, and a spanish dub of Hercules Goes Bananas.
TWILIGHT was to be my 2022 cure. I knew I had chosen wisely as soon as our vampire lover took his spidermonkey mate and ran quickly up a tree…
From there so many good things happen. Vampires play baseball….
The wolfboy wears a sweetass wig…
Vampires sparkle…
And the vampire-baby-making-sex breaks a ton of shit…
The internet loves TWILIGHT and I understand why now. I am thankful to be caught up to my 14 year old cousins on a pop culture that is dated ten years too old to be relevant to anything I never planned on doing in the first place.
I am imprinting on you now dear reader to enjoy finding new things in this new year. May we all make sweet bed breaking robot baby love to 2023 as derpingly as derping derply derp derping possible.
Be nerp derp my friend. Be gerp derp and herp derp.