...in search of the greatest rock and roll moment in muppets history (vol. 1)...
"Music is an essential part of everything we do. Like puppetry, music has an abstract quality which speaks to a worldwide audience in a wonderful way that nourishes the soul."
-Jim Henson-
I was caught in a conversation with my bud the other night about what is the definitive best rock and roll Muppet performance. I immediately thought it had to be the Nightmare Band from Emmet Otter Jug Band Christmas, but decided to rabbit hole and find out if I was correct. To that end, please find below a somewhat curated list of brain floppings and Muppet jams on the hunt for what is the most fire-blowing-explosion-making-head-banging-leather-sweating-rockingest Muppet performance of all time. Send me your thoughts if I missed anything good.
The criteria is…
Does it rock?
Is it awesome?
Does it rock and is it awesome?
"The only way the magic works is by hard work. But hard work can be fun."
-Jim Henson-
RATING — 9/10 on the broken bongo scale
Our Journey begins as one must when seeking rock and roll content, with a Muppet video definitively and simply titled ROCK N ROLL MONSTER. What is important here is that they saved two letters by spelling “and” as “n”. More so they saved this article idea by immediately providing a great example of how puppets and good garage rock are a potent combo. If this monster ever went on tour I’d gladly follow for a few shows and sell opium flavored coconut mylkshakes in the lot.
RATING — 10/10 on the biting bat heads scale
The Riverbottom Nightmare Band does several important things with this song. They add glam to a very deep purple esque jammer. Everyone in the band sings! They have a splashing frog as a percussive element! And they do one of the greatest things any band can do, which is write and sing a song about themselves. If you want to be a great band you should sing your band name in at least one song. Classic examples include Black Sabbath & Bad Company – taker a looksy at this list for more…Mahna Mahna!
RATING — 3/10 broken saxomophone keys
Searching “Muppets & rock” was quite a giving event and I was super excited to see all of Dr. Teeth and his fabulous Electric Mayhem jammers playing out live in the world. Unfortunately this is some brutally bad bar rock that would get you canceled from playing Thursday nights at TGI Fridays. I had to boost the rating from 2 to 3 because of all the costume changes they do while still playing the song. That is quite difficult, but a few years back I saw Grace Jones do it because she can do absolutely anything. I couldn’t find her playing with any Muppets but she did kill it with Pee Wee & some puppets some magical Christmas a while ago…
RATING — 7/10 army boots & chicken suits
This is simply a salve to wash off the wack of that last Dr. Teeth performance. This one rocks way more. You are welcome.
RATING — 3/10 drug deals gone bad
Alf is not a Muppet, but I would say he is at least Muppet adjacent in parts of his puppetry lineage. In the 3rd episode of Alf, the cat eating alien decided to re-enact Tom Cruise’s Bob Seger soundtracked socks dance from the movie Risky Business. Bob Seger, especially early Seger, and especially early early Seger, is some good ass rock and roll. But points detracted as Alf ain’t a Muppet and this is homage more than true blue rawk.
RATING — 3/10 prank call attempts
You can call something rock, but that does not make it rock. Telephones do not rock. Conceptually though having four Mupps in a booth and singing into a phone is a good idea. I think Pavement made one of their records this way. I am here for more bands in small spaces singing into objects. Give me King Crimson in an airport breastfeeding booth singing into shoes please and thank you.
RATING — 4/10 chevy chase cameos
This song has rock in the title also, but isn’t a rock song so much. It is a fun song and a pretty excellent use of multiple Muppets in the background singing. Paul Simon would make a good Muppet. Good job, good effort!
RATING — 5/10 crabs in my pants
I saw the B-52s “final” concert in SF at the Masonic hall the day before Halloween this year (2022) and let me just say that they absolutely fugging rock. The B-52s are more a pop or dance band than a rock band, but the good vibes and rad energy they deploy is a spiritual contract with rock and roll. Lobsters Muppeting Rock Lobster and some swirly camera work as well as someone getting hit in the head and an automatic weapons joke! Also as previously discussed as an excellent rock move, this band is called Rock Lobsters and they are singing Rock Lobster.
RATING — 5/10 silly frilly frolly rolly jolly scarfs
Elton John as part Muppet with singing crocodiles. Also at a completely unnecessary 60 frames per second! Technical joy!!
RATING — 7/10 banging blanging gongloads
A full episode devoted to rock and farting roll filled with some of the performances you have already seen and/or will see throughout this article. I recommend you dip in and watch the whole dang thing. I don’t think any of these performances qualify as peak Muppet rock, but the entertainment is high and the Muppeting strong. Also here is a list of muppets meeting rockstars.
RATING — 2/10 yawns, groans, grawns & yoans
I was hoping this would be a cover of the great David Bowie song Star, but alas it isn’t and it isn’t very good and I got little else to say here besides maybe skip. A snoozer.
RATING — 4/10 shaggy bangs and bowlcuts
Pretty much jailhouse rock with fraggles. This hits a couple of the earlier rock rules though in we got Fraggles singing about themselves in 3rd person, and a bunch of folks in a tight space singing into objects. I hope the fraggles break free and get fragging.
RATING – 4/10 bottles of milk on the wall
My buddy had an acoustic death metal band called Black Stool that had a song called Babies Screaming, Dying, Crying. That was rock and roll. This is only a baby screaming, and crying, and then eventually singing. If your baby learns how to sing in a crib make sure you treat them well, get them an agent, and get 20% cut on all future cuts of their performances. Then when they are a successful teenager they can resent you, fire you, write a book about your terrible parenting. But you will hold the sweetest remnants of the relationship. Cold Hard Cash.
RATING — 3/10 canadian tuxedos
We are going to shift here and what better way to shift than actively rickrolling yourself with Muppets. I have so many more videos to talk to you about this article, I will indeed never give you up, let you down or desert you.
RATING — 8/10 decapitated donkey hooves
Same video as the above only this time with some beautiful death metal stylings (specifically the song Mutant Christ by Cryptopsy). The beauty of death metal and Muppets combining is that they are tailor made for each other. Most death metal bands are shaggy as all get out, the singers can do deep grover and cookie monster voices, as well as high pitched screaming metal elf tones. Disney+ should give the world what we need and produce a Cannibal Corpse Christmas special with the Fraggles.
RATING— 9/10 double chocolate thin mint oreo smores
The proof is in the pudding. Cookie Monster singing about galoshes set to metal music sounds great and right. What is not right is that statement “the proof is in the pudding”. What kind of proof is in pudding? Who even has pudding around, and if you have something to prove why would you cover it in mushy ick? The origin is actually pretty metal. Originally the idiom was “The proof of the pudding is in the eating”, and specifically was referencing olde english puddings which were a bunch of meats cooked in an intestine and to know if it would kill you or not you had to cut it open eat and find out. So metal.
RATING — 8/10 leg bones in the furnace
The proof that Cannibal Corpse and the Muppets just work when they are together. Also this cannibal corpse live footage vomits blood.
RATING — 6/10 tympanic harmonic demonic & sonic gin & tonics
Animal was clearly the greatest Muppet drummer, but fan vids have led to some pretty excellent usages of Ernie on the skins throughout my internet search. This is a vaudevillian usage of metal as a punchline really sets up the next video which is the premium execution of the concept. You must crawl before you walk. And you must laugh before you shred.
RATING — 8/10 chiropractic consultations
Same exact video as before only straight to the punchline and supremely radical. This is the portion of the essay where you should be freely headbanging. Proceed.
RATING — 8/10 cold coking socks to the jowly jaw
It was inevitable that Phil AnsELMO & ELMO would be a pit stomping magic mashup. I used to listen to Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power and practice stage diving onto my bed when I was home alone. The record frigging kills, as does this song, as does Pantera, as does Elmo taking lead duties on the vocal acting. Great job Teresa!
RATING — 5/10 foghorn leghorn fugelhorn lugelhorns
There are no Muppets in this video, but instead an all brass band that plays pretty frigging awesome rock and roll covers. Costumes are strong as well. Big fan of band names that pun all over too. Someone should get the cat song people to team up with the dog song people and form Petallica.
RATING 9/10 — blustery broken bapping bopping bongo bamboos
Alright our heavy metal break means it is time for the drum solo portion of the set. I honestly could just make a whole article of videos of Buddy Rich doing sick ass drum solos but instead will just say here you go, and go, and go, and go, and go, and go again. What a fugging hero.
BE YOURSELF
BY YOURSELF
STAYYY AWAYY FROM MEEEE
Yeah Walk still hits, really fueling my buried teenage angst here
I think you rated Crocodile Rock too low!! Those lalalalas from the crocodiles?! *chefs kiss*