...oh baby...
“An ugly baby is a very nasty object - and the prettiest is frightful.”
-Queen Victoria-
I am an adult.
As an adult I can do adult things, like gamble, smoke, dress in drag and cavort. I love cavorting. I also make decisions. I decided that today I would make a very adult decision and have decided I am going to write about babies.
Babies are terrible.
Babies enter the world covered in blood screaming and crying, unable to do anything by themselves. They are needy. They need dozens of people to wash them, and monitor them, and just keep them alive. Have you ever see a baby doing something for itself or for someone else? You haven’t because babies are selfish. They want your attention, my attention and everyone else's attention. They are like tiny Kardashians. Unfathomably awful, overly ubiquitous and somehow supremely seeped into all corners of the conscious world.
Babies are expensive.
The average baby costs about $20K just to exist. It costs $300K to turn a baby into an adult. Imagine what you could do with that money. You could buy a house, or a yacht, or travel the world for a couple of years. That trip to morocco, and osaka, and uzbekistan with stops in tribeca, iceland, idaho and manute bol’s mansion you wanted to do in 2025? That trip would only cost like ¼ of a baby. It’s like a baby leg.
Babies smell like shit.
They sit around all day in their own crap and piss waiting for you to clean them up. And when you finally do clean them up they yell, scream, kick and cry at you. They are violent angry butt sacks.
Babies aren’t safe.
You have to put them in bed jails [cribs] because they will kill themselves if you don’t. They have wild new diseases like sudden infant death syndrome that mainly exist to traumatize and antagonize already anxious and angsty adults. Sudden infant death syndrome should be a metal band, but instead babies use illnesses such as that to traumatize their elders.
Babies are dumb.
They don’t know anything. Ask a baby a question and wait for it. Most likely it will say nothing, but sometimes they are even worse and say nonsense gibberish. The only word a baby knows is gah. Gah! I say gah when I am flabbergasted. A baby can’t even be flabbergasted. It can just be gah. Gah!
Babies are too much.
They are too many. There are four babies being born every second. Over half the adult population of the world is making babies. Do the math and it is only a matter of time until the entire earth is one large sprawling playpen. They are going to cause a global lego shortage.
Baby art is bad.
Baby music is all simple rhymes and major power chords played on xylophones by bearded dudes in chicken costumes. I am talking about you Raffi. There is no excuse for Apples & Bananas. Or Ipples and Bininis. Stop making music that makes me think in vowel shifting rhyming baby voice.
Ay dan’t lake ate!
Babies are gen 1.0 technology.
No one thinks the first of anything is good, unless we are talking about Star Wars movies in which the first or the second was clearly the superior version. But even the first and second versions of those movies knew better and were released as the 4th and 5th versions of themselves. I need new hope.
“A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”
-Ronald Knox-
How did babies happen?
Why do babies exist? Baby’s exist because of sex. They are just a globbed wrinkly physical manifestation of our adult horniness. Now imagine a world predicated on only things we made out of horniness. Every restaurant would be serving disco and cocaine. We’d fill offices with orifices and fasten falluses to fountains flushing lotion and lube. People would be walking the globe wearing 8 tits and 8 dongs and basically be octopus people. Have you ever seen an octopus have sex? Me either, I need to look that up.
You see that. Octopus’s have sex by putting penises into noses. God awful. They also cannibalize and suicide after sex. Terrible. But you know what, I just learned something. So maybe babies aren’t all that bad. Babies can teach you new things.
Babies like learning.
They do nothing but learn and grow. Learning and growing are great things. If you learn to grow a garden you could have a lovely backyard filled with life you can eat. I like eating. I like life.
Babies are life.
They are floppy, rolly, sloppy skin sacks filled with life. Philosophically if I just consider a baby in the abstract I can ponder existence and purpose and stillness and nothingness and everything and it is awesome. A baby can teach you about being awesome.
Babies like simple things.
They like colors and textures and boobs They like being warm and snuggled and sucking on boobs. They like mama, dada, dog, cat and blue blanket (and boobs).
Babies are interesting.
They think everything is interesting. They are interested in interesting things, and not interesting things. They are interested in everything. It is interesting.
Babies need care.
Care is good. We should all care. When people quit caring we get sloppy, chaotic, purposeless. Babies are sloppy, chaotic and purposeless. I don’t think babies care though. Babies don’t care that we care but who cares. Babies aren’t careless, they just could care less. They are stress free. Babies are basically Bobby Boy on the hill tripping balls as Beefy Jones and The Bong Rips jam out an eight hour cover of Willy and The Poor Boys at the Stoney Mountain Music Festival.
Babies are wild.
Like literally wild and feral. Some babies are raised by dogs and they turned out just fine. I mean all of these kids in this article were raised by dogs, coyotes, chickens and monkeys and they still know how to pose for a fancy photograph. Maybe it is the adults who are awful? All of these animal kids were so neglected by adults that they had to turn to wildlife to care for them. Maybe all any of us need is care. Any type of care from anything or anyone.
Adults don’t care.
Or I should say adults don’t care about important things. Adult cares are too byzantine and bogged in unimportant details like footnote #4 on page #939 of article #8 written in manual #67. Adults care about jobs, and paying bills. They care about doing laundry, accounting, and insurance and a million different things that generally make life more difficult for themselves and for others. Adults like to complicate everything so they can feel complex.
Babies are simple.
Babies care about nothing. They care about the moment. They care about the here and now and don’t need when or then to preoccupy their life. Adults are all planning for the opportunity to plan for the next opportunity to have an opportunity to plan. A baby doesn’t need a plan. It just is.
Babies are great.
Sure babies might be viral, shitty and smug. But they are also open to the world around them. They spend every day looking at whatever is in front of them and trying to figure out its meaning. Babies are philosophers and thinkers. They don’t judge things. Babies soak up whatever they are given and openly accept whatever it is. Babies are blissful and thankful.
Babies are teachers.
I would have never known an octopus has sex with a detachable arm and gets cannibalized afterwards if I didn’t think about babies today. I wouldn’t know how much an adult costs to make. I wouldn’t know about how capable monkeys, chickens and wolves are at parenting humans.
We should be babies.
We should cry and be open to what life gives us. We should learn and we should grow. We should pause and appreciate the simple things like colors and textures and boobs. We should puke on ourselves and be ok with it.
The next time someone tells you to not be a baby, do yourself a favor and piss on them. Be a big baby. You are making the world a better place.
How dare you come for Raffi like that. He's a legend!
This one was a tornado of ideas for a topic that is barely discussed. Endless metaphors and spins. Felt like script of upcoming YouTube video that can go viral.
I also do think babies go beyond being teachers - babies also learn super fast. Forget learn...forget learn continuously adopting and reinventing themselves.