...amazing...
“It's amazing how, over time, a person's perspective can be altered.”
-Fred Durst-
I am an ordinary man who does ordinary things. I make ordinary decisions, eat ordinary food, wear ordinary clothes and order ordinary things from ordinary places. But I have seen some things that are far from ordinary. I have seen amazing things.
I have seen the aurora borealis shine in the northern sky off a 4AM fishing pier in trouty Nowheresville, Minnesota. I’ve walked in 12th century monasteries hidden within cave walls in the Armenian countryside. I’ve witnessed hoverboards become real and news become fake. I’ve glimpsed pizzas circled, squared, thin and deep dished. I’ve ogled Carrot Top in the flesh more times than any human could possibly handle.
But I have never seen anything in my life as amazing as the music video to the song Amazing by Aerosmith. Amazing was part of a trio of music videos Aerosmith released to promote their album “Get A Grip”. Released alongside other album tracks Cryin’ and Crazy, these videos helped debut the acting career of future Clueless Batgirl Alicia Silverstone.
Across the videos the fabulous Ms. Silverstone does a bunch of wild stuff. She dates Steven Dorff and then fakes suicide by bungie jumping off a freeway before flipping him the bird. She, tricks a farmer into skinny dipping in a mud pond with Liv Tyler. She jump kicks a purse snatcher, gets a naughty belly piercing and possibly turns into computer animated sexy hieroglyphs with Jeremy London of Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab Season 4.
Thirteen year old me thought these videos, these songs, and Aerosmith were all incredibly amazing.
But again I must reiterate, nothing is as amazing in this world as the music video for the song Amazing. I hope you watched the video linked above because if you did, you don’t need to read anything else I write. Actually you don’t need to read anything else that anyone writes. You can quit reading, quit writing, quit doing anything other than watching that video over and over again. This is your new life now. Your life is amazing.
And now your life is about to get even more amazinger. Apple, maker of diversionary technology and recently reformed employer of children, announced this week their first new product line in years. The product is called the Vision Pro and it is a “mixed reality” headset. Mixed reality is a term used to describe the merging of a real-world environment and a computer-generated one, like when I fall asleep watching TV and wake up working at the Dire Straits refrigerator factory.
For $4000 the Vision Pro will have you wearing ski goggles that let you play 24 million pixel versions of Words with Friends without ever having to meet said friends in person. The vision pro will immerse you in panoramic photos, deeply disassociate you from humanity, and create some of the saddest first dates on earth. These augmented blu blockers will help you surf without swimming, pay taxes in 3D, and can increase your hours spent hand jiving on pornhub by over 400%. Finally we have a hardware solution that will help us to look each other in the eye without ever having to actually look each other in the eye.
Thirty years ago the music video for Amazing was kind enough to offer the world a glimpse of the Vision Pro in its beta release stage. To commemorate the release of this amazing new product I wanted to do a quick walkthrough of Aerosmith’s demo of the technology and see what I might learn about its capabilities.
I find that looking at the early stages of technological developments helps me prepare for all the ways my future self might distract and procrastinate himself. I wouldn’t be here writing this blog if it weren’t for a key opportunity I got to test taco bell’s fabled chimichorolupito in 1993. My stomach has never been the same. That fifteen year food poisoning gave me enough bed and couch time to embed deeply in modern internet focused screen culture. Thank you Taco Bell food science for your innovations.
#e.coli.tech
With the Vision Pro launching, I wanted to review the product from the lens of my modern man self (he of ordinary things), and my thirteen year old boy self (he of food borne illnesses). By providing a frame-by-frame analysis of the Amazing video I am hoping we can help you see the future.
It has been thirty years since Aerosmith discovered this virtual technology. What will we do with it?
“I'm not a kid anymore. And I'm excited for all the amazing things to come.”
-Paris Hilton-
MODERN MAN :: Kids really need to clean their rooms.
13 YR. OLD :: Where can I buy this game?
MODERN MAN :: He should have kept his hair long.
13 YR. OLD :: He should have kept his hair long.
MODERN MAN :: Everyone should have a good password manager.
13 YR. OLD :: Remembering passwords is hard.
MODERN MAN :: Motorcycles are dangerous.
13 YR. OLD :: Someday I will be able to live in an underground bunker with Aerosmith.
MODERN MAN :: I hope he brought water with him.
13 YR. OLD :: I hope I get a power glove for my birthday.
MODERN MAN :: Do they still make mail order brides?
13 YR. OLD :: Someday Alicia Silverstone is going to hang out with me.
MODERN MAN :: Did the ancient Egyptians invent computers?
13 YR. OLD :: Girls like motorcycles.
MODERN MAN :: How many keyboards has humanity jizzed on?
13 YR. OLD :: This video game looks really really cool.
MODERN MAN :: What if the ancient Egyptians thought sperms were Steven Tylers?
13 YR. OLD :: I’m confused and disappointed.
MODERN MAN :: Motorcycling without helmets is really dangerous.
13 YR. OLD :: Helmets are lame.
MODERN MAN :: Driving a motorcycle is dangerous. Driving without a helmet is super dangerous. Having sex on a moving motorcycle without a helmet is pretty much a death wish.
13 YR. OLD :: One day I will have sex on a motorcycle.
MODERN MAN :: I see what the director was doing there with his choice of POLE position…
13 YR. OLD :: Video games are incredible.
MODERN MAN :: This is clearly where vaping is headed.
13 YR. OLD :: I think I would like to have sex someday.
MODERN MAN :: Why do old timey pilots where scarfs? Couldn’t that get caught in the blades?
13 YR. OLD :: Hitchhiking looks tough.
MODERN MAN :: Hitchhiking by plane is fucking awesome.
13 YR. OLD :: Hitchhiking by plane is farting awesome.
MODERN MAN :: Is sky surfing real?
13 YR. OLD :: I want to skysurf.
MODERN MAN :: Why is he hang drying printouts?
13 YR. OLD :: Holy shit check out that Chemlab poster!
MODERN MAN :: This video was pre M. Night Shyamalan, M. Night Shyamalan. It was a Shyamalan Shyamalan. What if the next twist is that they were all inside of an Aerosmith music video? And what if that video was made by one of Steven Tyler’s mummy sperms? And Steven Tyler was batman? Should I clean my keyboard?
13 YR. OLD :: Where can I buy this thing?
What kind of future might mixed reality headsets bring us? Will we be able to control virtual hair, pop virtual zits, smoke virtual cigarettes and fuse toys with cyberspace? Will we be able to screw on motorcycles and hitchhike on planes? Will ancient Egyptian cyber dogs have oral table sex with nude robot women!?!
After analyzing this video frame by frame my thirteen year old self and my modern self are in agreement on one thing. Whatever happened to sky surfing?
If we are to believe in the future of this product the way Aerosmith envisioned it, we now know a few things. There will be music. And mummies. And at the end of the day we will be able to play as someone else playing with our selves. In that way, like all great technological advancements before it, the Vision Pro will enhance our capability to perform one of the most ancient human activities. It will help us play with our self. The Vision Pro is a $4000 masturbation mask.
Amazing, right?
I've had the old timey pilot scarf question foe decades and I refuse to search the internet for answers. Some things need to remain unknown. Nice rift
HILARIOUS in too many ways to list. Well done.